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It has been a while since I blogged on here. It has been rough. Strangely enough I still have some hair. My oncologist says that it is not going to fall out all at one time like most. It is just slowly falling out. It makes it hard to decide when to shave it because you want to keep it and at the same time you are so tired of all the hair falling out and trying to hide the really thin parts. I am terrified to shave my head and at the same time I just want it to be over.

I have to say I would never wish cancer upon my worst enemy. Even if you do have the "good" cancer (if there is such a thing) like I have, where the possibility of remission is very high.  It is still a thousand times worst than anything I have ever experienced. You no longer feel pretty. You literally have to watch your self slowly deteriorate. I mean I ran a half marathon in April of 2014 with a darn good time. I now have a hard time going up and down stairs most days. My heart beats so hard it feels like it is going to beat out of my spine. I used to have muscle and I am a nothing but bones. My clothes are all baggy. Chemo can make you infertile and no one has an amazing solution to tell you to guarantee you can have children one day. So not only does it take your present, it also can take your future. Your chances for having cancer again increase as well.  You have to slowly watch your hair fall out and I am not just talking about the hair on top of your head. I am talking all of it. Mentally it wears you down too. You go into it all hyped, being like I am going to kick cancers butt!! Do not get me wrong, I am still going to kick cancers butt.  It's just the sights of IVs, looking at my port, or just the mention of the word chemo now makes my skin crawl and nauseous. I would never thought just the mention of a word had so much power. You try to tell yourself its one more to get rid of cancer and you try to spin it positive, but you know down to your core what a nightmare chemo is and will be for your next treatments. I like to think I am a very happy person and I know I am blessed in many ways, but this is no way to spend your 28th year of life. I pray and pray that my PET scan on the 27th will show no signs of cancer so that I only have 4 more treatments left to complete. I honestly know if it still shows signs of cancer that I have 8 more treatments to complete and I know I will complete them, but it makes me want to die inside. I can't imagine if I am not halfway done. I know that it does not rain forever, but I am so ready for the sunshine. They say God only gives you as much as you can handle...I do believe I'm being tested. I could lie and say this is not a big deal, but cancer breaks you down one day at a time.

I don't know...maybe I am just mad and need to vent. I hate cancer!!!!!!! I hate chemo!!! I cannot wait for the day (hopefully in March) where I can say I beat cancer... I AM CANCER FREE. It seems so far away. I am going to get there with my sanity and I hope I never look back.