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It has been a while since I blogged on here. It has been rough. Strangely enough I still have some hair. My oncologist says that it is not going to fall out all at one time like most. It is just slowly falling out. It makes it hard to decide when to shave it because you want to keep it and at the same time you are so tired of all the hair falling out and trying to hide the really thin parts. I am terrified to shave my head and at the same time I just want it to be over.

I have to say I would never wish cancer upon my worst enemy. Even if you do have the "good" cancer (if there is such a thing) like I have, where the possibility of remission is very high.  It is still a thousand times worst than anything I have ever experienced. You no longer feel pretty. You literally have to watch your self slowly deteriorate. I mean I ran a half marathon in April of 2014 with a darn good time. I now have a hard time going up and down stairs most days. My heart beats so hard it feels like it is going to beat out of my spine. I used to have muscle and I am a nothing but bones. My clothes are all baggy. Chemo can make you infertile and no one has an amazing solution to tell you to guarantee you can have children one day. So not only does it take your present, it also can take your future. Your chances for having cancer again increase as well.  You have to slowly watch your hair fall out and I am not just talking about the hair on top of your head. I am talking all of it. Mentally it wears you down too. You go into it all hyped, being like I am going to kick cancers butt!! Do not get me wrong, I am still going to kick cancers butt.  It's just the sights of IVs, looking at my port, or just the mention of the word chemo now makes my skin crawl and nauseous. I would never thought just the mention of a word had so much power. You try to tell yourself its one more to get rid of cancer and you try to spin it positive, but you know down to your core what a nightmare chemo is and will be for your next treatments. I like to think I am a very happy person and I know I am blessed in many ways, but this is no way to spend your 28th year of life. I pray and pray that my PET scan on the 27th will show no signs of cancer so that I only have 4 more treatments left to complete. I honestly know if it still shows signs of cancer that I have 8 more treatments to complete and I know I will complete them, but it makes me want to die inside. I can't imagine if I am not halfway done. I know that it does not rain forever, but I am so ready for the sunshine. They say God only gives you as much as you can handle...I do believe I'm being tested. I could lie and say this is not a big deal, but cancer breaks you down one day at a time.

I don't know...maybe I am just mad and need to vent. I hate cancer!!!!!!! I hate chemo!!! I cannot wait for the day (hopefully in March) where I can say I beat cancer... I AM CANCER FREE. It seems so far away. I am going to get there with my sanity and I hope I never look back.

Chemo 1

My first chemo treatment was 12/5/14. It was not as bad as I was anticipating. I am proud of myself. I only got emotional one time. With Hodgkin's Lymphoma Stage 2A, they give a chemo cocktail with 4 drugs called ABVD. A stands for Adriamycin (Nickname "the red devil"), B- Bleomycin, V- Vinblastine, and D- Dacarbazine.  Apparently Bleomycin can cause an allergic reaction therefore they have to test the drug on you first.   The nurse explained to me that they used to be able to give the test dose into your port, but of course they just changed the policy.  They had to give me a shot in the back of my arm and then I had to wait for 30 minutes to see if I had a reaction before I could start my chemo. That shot was not fun. It burned like fire. This was, thank goodness, the only time I shed a tear. Not because it hurt, but more because this was the true beginning of the end. I knew, most likely, this next week was going to be hard to do normal everyday activities. I knew two weeks from this day I would lose my hair. Honestly, it is scary to know you cannot ever go back to the way your life used to be and you are going to need help for the next 4 months.

The next couple of days after chemo were not as bad as I thought. I was tired but not a debilitating exhausted. I had some nausea, but I had medications to take care of that. The worst part was how my teeth and bones hurt.

I am really thankful for my family, especially my mother.  She came and stayed with me to help with my two crazy dogs, cleaning, cooking, and me. Now I feel like it is just a waiting game for my hair to fall out and knock each chemo out. Only 7 more treatments.

Feeling the Love.

November 26, 2014

Someone recently told me, "Just take one day at a time."  I wish this was really possible, but when you have cancer I feel like everything is your future. I can't help but think about all the bills, losing my hair and the feeling like crap for at least the next 4 months. Honestly it all sounds like crap and sucks. It all sounds dismal and scary. I am terrified of losing my hair, being haunted by cancer the rest of my life, and not being able to take care of myself because I am too weak. At the beginning, I was ready and in the state of mind lets just get this over with.  Now I think why is this happening to me?  What did I do wrong? When am I going to wake up from this bad dream? In the end, I know hair is just hair and it will grow back one day. I know I am not going to wake up from this bad dream, but I have more love and support from family and friends that anyone could ask for.

If cancer is good for anything...it is good at showing how much love is in the world. It is honestly humbling to see the outpour from friends, family, and even people who do not even know me.  Below are some examples of love I'm grateful for.

 1. The LIVESTRONG foundation, which is now my favorite organization. They paid for the drug to help me produce more eggs to freeze them since chemo may potentially make me infertile. Not only did they give me the drug, but they also have been so kind to me and have really taken the time to talk to me about my cancer. They have really been helpful through this whole process and I feel they genuinely care.

 2. I have received 3 care packages that all had thoughtful and awesome things to help me during chemo. Thank you to everyone who gave me a package. I would never have thought of all those items to help. Thank You Jessica, Ashley, KL, Misty, Rachel, Megan, and Kara.

3. My family, their love and sweet cards. I am very blessed to have a small loving family. My sister is the best and set up an amazing website for me. She also helps me stay mentally stable...LOL. I have the best parents you could ever ask for.  They would do anything for me. My aunts and uncles have helped me in ways I cannot describe and I am not even their own children.

4. I want to thank everyone who has donated money to help me out. Some of these people do not even know me. I cannot describe how thankful and humbled I am. Thank you Molly Hamill, Will Ferguson and your family. All of you are angels. Molly's sister, Sally, and her husband raised over $600 at their 2014 Stache Bash and they've never even met me. Nancy I know we've only met once, thank you so much for your kindness. James and Natalie thank you!! You all are awesome. I hope one day I can repay every one of you.

5. Thank you everyone who has sent me flowers, edible arrangements, cards, and left me messages on the site.

6. Robert Davis, I don't think I will ever be able to repay you for loving me and staying by my side. I know I am not the easiest person to handle. I hope I get to spend the rest of my life making it up to you for everything you do now and will do for me in the future. 

It is looking like Monday they will retrieve/remove my eggs and freeze them. So fingers crossed the get a lot of them. Friday, December 5th will be my first chemotherapy treatment. 

The pictures below are from Sally's Stache Bash to raise money for me! Thank You!! Looks like it was an awesome party!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

This week has been interesting. I've had my port for about a week and it is finally starting to feel a little better. It still feels weird and limits my range of motion a little, but it is getting better. I really had a hard time looking at my port in the beginning. It is kind of the first physical sign that I have cancer and there is no turning back. I guess, for me at least, I deny that anything is actually wrong with me until I physically see it.  The port is the first thing that I really looked at and felt disgusted. I would love to say I am being a champ about this whole thing and nothing was going to get me down, but that would just not be the truth. I've had some breakdowns and moments I ask God "why me"? "What did I do wrong?"... This straight up sucks.  I wish none of this ever got me down but that just is not realistic.

I start my IVF this week to save my eggs since chemo may make me infertile. Luckily, my contact, Lizzie, at the fertility doctor's office has been amazing. Apparently, I am the first oncology patient that has been referred to their practice, which I honestly think it a good thing. Lizzie is an angel. She helped me find this program through LIVESTRONG to pay for the medications to get through IVF. These drugs are very expensive, so keep your finger crossed that I will be getting a call LIVESTRONG confirming I got the drugs. I really hope this all works out.

Silver lining of the week is I received a care package from my sister's best friends lil Jessi and Felts.  It was amazing.  I also got a visit from Misty, KL, and Rachel with another chemo care package. I honestly cannot believe how blessed I am with the people in my life. It is not only the care packages, but the amazing cards, texts, mental advise, support, and beyond. I could go on forever for the wonderful loving outpour from friends and family. It may be crappy that I have cancer, but the love that surrounds me is amazing.

Baby?

I think one of the hardest things while preparing for treatment has been going to the fertility doctor. So maybe I am behind everyone, but I had not given children a huge thought. I mean I figured I would have them one day, but I was shooting for early to mid 30's before.  When someone tells you, hey chemo has a 50% chance of making you infertile. Oh and BTW if you want to freeze your eggs to help ensure a better chance of having a child, it is going to cost you a butt load on top of all the medical bills you already have. The cherry on top is if you ever want to use them you have to pay every year to keep them frozen and then another nice chunk to get them fertilized and back inside you. 

The other option to help increase my chances of being fertile is to take a shot call depo lupron.  This would basically send me into basic menopause during chemo to help protect my eggs.  Research has shown this shot could increase my chance by 20% to have children. Sounds good right. Well my MD did not sound so sure.

This has been one of the most emotional decisions for me. So what do you do? Do you take out a loan and freeze your eggs? Do you take your chances and do the shot? Can you do both options?

After a lot of back and forth, I decided to freeze my eggs. I mean I would be kicking myself down the road if I do end up infertile and I did not try everything possible to have my own child. I think the two people who really helped me decide to freeze my eggs was my Aunt Karyn and Uncle Jerry. This is my dad's twin brother and his wife, which I would consider them my second parents. They have always spoiled my sister and I to death. They are seriously the sweetest and most loving people I have ever met. I know I have to say they have not been dealt the best hand, but you would never know it by speaking to them. I was talking to them the other day and they told me if they would have had the chance to freeze eggs the definitely would have. My aunt is a very brittle type one diabetic (she wasn't diagnosed with diabetes until she had a back surgery in her 30's which started the DM).  My aunt and uncle never had human children and I say this because they have babies in the shape of dogs and cats. I wish I could do more than just verbally thank them.

So, now it is a waiting game to get everything set up to freeze my eggs and hopefully get chemo scheduled ASAP after. I wish I had an EASY button.

My puppy Knox!!! Kind of like a baby!

Hi U have cancer.

So I am writing a blog to help me sort out my thoughts and to vent.  At 28 years old you think about looking for the right guy, what is the latest fashion, I should exercise more, I love my job or hate my job, I love hanging out with my friends….. One thing you definitely do not think about is oh shit I have cancer.

It was a Friday night.  Rob and I went out to eat. It was the first really chilly night of fall, so I wore a scarf. I was fixing my scarf while waiting for dinner and there it was.... A lump right where my neck meets my body on the right side. I made Rob feel it and just brushed it off, thinking huh that is weird.

When I got to work on Monday, Juliann joked with me about my lump and we named it Wilson. All my friends at work said that I should get my lump checked out.  So, I went to Dr. Gallus that Thursday and by the next week I got a CT scan. 

One of my best friends Amanda came with me to my follow up appointment with my doctor. I figured I was just going to be handed some antibiotics and say see you later, but I got the exact opposite. I was told my CT scan did not look good and the primary suspicion was lymphoma.  The only way to find out for sure was a to have a biopsy of the lump. Prior to getting the biopsy scheduled, I also had a PET scan.  It would take a little over a week to finally get into surgery for my biopsy.  Dr. Domet biopsied my lymph node on the right side of my neck.  Afterwards, he came out and told me he was not a pathologist, but to him it looked like lymphoma. The next 2 days were just a waiting game... 

The moment you actually find out for sure you have cancer is not as upsetting as one might think. It is more like a calm before the storm. The day I found out started out like any other day. Woke up and went to work. I was looking through my chart online to see if my PET scan came back. It was not posted to my chart, but my pathology report was up from my biopsy. There it was in big bold letters CLASSIC HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA. I went and got two of the nurses I work with, Juliann and Catherine, to make sure I was not dreaming. When people hug you and say I'm sorry after just reading your report, you know it is not good. I went home right away because my amazing sis and mother came to be with me. I did not even get a call from a doctor until later that afternoon.  Not the way I wanted to learn I had cancer.

The picture below, I like to think, is classic me. I HATE IVs, I HATE needles, and this was just a really crappy moment.  I am still trying to make light of the situation. This is my bone marrow biopsy day. This procedure by far was one of the worst days. I highly recommend if you are ever asked to do this, make sure you are put under. They biopsy your bone marrow from your hip bone and I was lucky enough to get it done to both of my hip bones :). 

I want to end this post saying thank you to my wonderful loving family. We may not be big, but I would not change you for the world!!!! Shelly you are the best sister I could ever ask for… you are my rock. Thanks to my amazing boyfriend, Rob, who would do anything for me to make my life better. Thanks to my outstanding friends. Finally thank you to everyone who has texted, emailed, Facebooked, sent me flowers, cards, and calls. They all really mean so much to me.